Letters To Our Younger Selves

A Letter To My Younger Self: How I Found My Voice Through Facing My Fears

Dear younger Mellie,

Remember when you prayed and asked God to put you through more hardships because you thought your testimony was too boring? You’re going to regret that, but you’ll find your voice because of it.

— Your biggest worry right now is probably how you’re going to try and start a conversation with your crush in the hallway- and that’s okay. You’re innocent, not naïve. You give people the benefit of the doubt, and you trust that they have good intentions. This is a good thing! Innocence is so precious, and is a gift from God- don’t believe anyone who says otherwise. You don’t need an emotionally provocative testimony of how you found Jesus during a near death experience to make a difference in someone’s life; finding Jesus in the ordinary and mundane is what makes your day-to-day walk with Him so special. Maybe you were reading the book of Job at the time you asked God for those tribulations? If so, you were playing a dangerous game asking God to make your story even remotely similar to Job’s. You have plenty of tribulations going on that you’re too afraid to admit to, but those are the trials that are going to make you who you are.

— Right now, you’re stuck in a silent battle with your mind, and you have been for a while. I promise that now you laugh about the time you thought you were possessed with a demon, but it was really just intrusive thoughts from your OCD. You really thought that self-exorcism would work, huh?  Saying the number “six” out loud isn’t going to send you to hell, and getting below an A on a test won’t either. Basing your worth off of grades and what your teachers think about you is slowly taking you down; you can’t please everybody. Don’t steal your own spark just to re-light someone else’s flame, because once that flame burns out, it takes a long time to get back.  

— Oh yeah, and I forgot to tell you that the world is going to shut down for 2.5 years. You’re going to think your life ended at 15 years old when you put on that N-95 mask for the first time, but I promise in a couple of years those will merely be photos in history books. You’ll be forced to rest, and you’ll finally have the space you need to reevaluate the friendships that need to be let go. The friends that you need will come back once God changes your hearts.

— Phone calls won’t always be scary. When get the calls that your dad and horse almost died, both in the same year, it’s going to be hard to pick up the phone again after that. However, the perseverance you’ll find through those experiences will be worth the cost. Getting back on the horse you rehabilitated, that was never supposed to be the same again, will unlock a gratefulness within you that you never knew existed. The “horse-girl” title that you were ridiculed for from elementary school up until high school will one day end up proudly listed in your social media bio’s. Those horses will save you from a lot. They’ll be the reason for your anxiety, and the reason for your peace- keeping you out of trouble, while also getting you into some when you decide to run away from home on your pony (once you get hungry you’ll be back). Dad was able to come to your high school graduation, too, if you were wondering.

— When your guitar teacher forces you to write your first song, your life is going to change forever. The thing that you feel is your biggest weakness- writing- is what you’ll choose to major in, in college. I’m still not totally sure how that happened, but it did. Your songs are going to start out terrible, but eventually you’ll gain the confidence you need to progress. The secrets you’ve never wanted to tell are somehow going to end up in your music, for everyone to hear. However, that honesty is a superpower if you use it correctly, and vulnerability is what will form your most treasured friendships.

—There is always someone else who has experienced a similar hardship to you- you are never the only one; find comfort and humility in that. You’ll find your voice once you quite literally use your voice to confess your fears. One day all of the things you’re most afraid to say out loud will roll right off of your tongue. And when that happens, you’ll know that you’re finally free.

Love,

Your 21 Year-Old Self